Hard floor under his back, extreme darkness surrounded him as he was not sure if his eyes were open. He focused for a second, tried to remember why is he lying on the floor, but nothing came to his troubled mind. Moved his hands around, waved them up above, but nothing was there. He got up on his knees, tapping his hands on the cold floor to make a way and suddenly, light flashed all over the place. He tried to cover his eyes with his elbow, waited for a minute so his eyes could get used to the light, and opened them to have a look around.
He was in a room of white and smooth walls. But something was missing. With a frown conquering his crumbled face, he searched thoroughly for the door of this room, but there wasn’t any. There wasn’t even a window. To his amazement, light came from nowhere. It was just there filling the creepy room. Putting his thumb and two other fingers, he squeezed his forehead trying to summon reasonable answers. How did he get in here? Why? When? And even where is he? But these were questions he couldn’t answer. Black visions roamed his head.
Reaching the more static questions, panic was taking place. Who is he? Who was he? What is he turning into? Only the echo of his questions thundered in his head. He doesn’t remember existing before. He doesn’t have whatsoever knowledge. An empty vessel worth nothing to fill it with. He must escape this nothingness and get out to existence. But fear is taking over. What will be waiting for him out there? What should he expect to find? Starting to exist? There might not be any place for him to fit in. With the drums of these thoughts, a squared crack started to paint itself on one of the walls.
But, no! He will not escape. He must stay and maybe fade away. At this very thought, the walls started to dissolve. The floor turned into millions of pixels and his balance was running away from him. He is falling down. No, he is not falling, he is fading away. Darkness is eating him, swallowing him into a deeper level. Maybe it is too late to fight it now. His last thought turned into dust, scattered in chaos, and it was only darkness again.
Someday I will plant a seed in my heart. A seed of Love. I will water it with as much happiness as I can afford. And, Will take care of it.
In Summer, I will reflect sunlight with my smile. Hope will overwhelm my heart, and bloom within. In fall, I will set my tears loose. And, unleash my sorrows into the emptiness of naked branches and the silence of fallen leaves. In winter, rivers will flood inside of me. Screams will dig their way out, and explode in harmony with winds blowing. In Spring, that seed will crawl out of my muddy heart, and with it, peace will embrace my trembling nerves.
Anger has drunken me with bitterness; a sip at a time.Agony breached me, conquered my inside. A frown took shelter in my blurry eyes, and hatred filled my ears with humming all around.
I will reap what I sow, and this seed will grow. As with it, peace will take over while I cease to exist.
Whispers were her only friend. Whispers came to her every time she slept, begging her to wake up. Whispers came to her every time she woke up, pushed her out of bed. Whispers came to her every time she got up, driving her blindly to the window. Whispers were her only friend. Whispers only came to her, and only she obeyed them. She never understood the reasons that dragged her to the window. To stand still, contemplate the outside, focus on that window in the house facing hers.
That window was the center of her attention. The center of her attraction. The shelter of her buzzing thoughts. And, the destiny of her traveling sight. Away from that window, loneliness manipulated her, drove her back to stand still and contemplate that window. It was the feeling of someone on the other side, standing still, contemplating her window. It was the feeling of someone on the other side that mesmerized her thoughts, her feelings, and her heart.
No… No, no… It was not the window. It was that dark slide that captured her breaths. Hope lied there. Hope hid there. She was never lonely while invading that darkness with her eyes. It was hope that gave strength to her perishing heart. That slightly open window was the reason of her survival. One day, the last piece of her puzzled heart will take its place. Whoever was there, whoever hid behind that darkness was the reason of her whispers, the reason of her circulated life, and the reason of her moments going by.
She must not surrender. She must not let desperation grow in her heart. She must not strangle her life with a rope, connecting her to that window, to that darkness, and maybe to that fading away hope. And she must not… fade away.
-Can I hold your hand?
-No you can’t.
-I will hug you!
-No you won’t.
-I’m going to kiss you!
-No you are not.
-Every time you hold my hand, my skin freezes, my words stop at the edge of my mouth, and my lips crumble
-When you hug me, I feel secure between your arms, and it scares me. You make me want to run away, to hide, and search for danger.
-To run back to you and collapse between your arms
-When you kiss me, you make me shiver, you ignite the volcano that relaxes in my stomach
-Wy didn’t you say so before?
-Here I am, saying it now.
-I love you!
-Yeah, you love me with your actions, I love you with my words.
-Come give me a hug!
-Because I’m leaving!
-Because I’m strong, and you make me weak.
-We can be strong together.
-No, I’m doing fine on my own, thank you!
-You are weird!
-Yeah, I know.
I will put my hand on this pillow, lay my cheek on that hand, grab my knees closer to my chest, and try falling asleep.
Something is wrong with my bed. Your smell laid no more on my pillow, your fingers swayed no more on my forehead, and your breath traveled no more on my chest. And something is wrong with my room. My stairs drummed no more with your steps, my door trembled no more with your dancing fingers, and my walls echoed no more with your laugh. And something is wrong with me. Your frown faced no more my jokes, your fingers trembled no more in my hand, and your gaze met no more my eyes.
So I close my eyes, squeeze them to see you there, between them and their lids. I calm down, to find your smile hanging on my curtains. I turn around to confront your shining eyes in the darkness. And there you are, sitting in the corner of my heart, unrevealing yourself until its the right time.
And there my eyes relax, my body surrenders, sleep must be on the way. My eyes are heavy, the voices from outside are gone. And then I open my eyes, my body tightens, I hear your voice, I hear your calling. I call you back, I’m here, I’m Here, where are you? There is my hand reaching out to you, there is your voice fading away, there are your steps thundering away.
I open my eyes again, the pillow is wet, the bed is empty, the room is dark, and I am all alone. I close my eyes again, I squeeze harder, I search for you again, but you are gone. Did you knock and I didn’t hear it? I jump out of my bed, open the door, and its just that empty dark alley, with that broken lamp. I should have fixed that lamp, maybe darkness made you change your mind, maybe you are down there waiting for me. I run the stairs down, pop up in the street, and there it is empty. My tears are falling, I have to get back. I will not stop crying, maybe my tears will lead you to me if you forgot where my house is.
I will stay awake, I will watch the road, maybe you will come from that end, and with you sunrise will come. I will stay awake and wait.
She came, laid her elbows on that rusty iron fence, pinned her fingers together and sight-fully dived into the deep ocean. It was her who inspired him. It was her stillness that irritated him. Why? Why did she come every sunset? He knows why he came! For him, it was meditation, it was setting his eyes loose and traveling to where the end of the world lies. Why did she come? He decided to ask her.
Clapping his hands once, pressing his palms on his knees, he rose up and marched like a determined soldier toward that mystic fortress.
The moment he reached her, she turned her eyes to face his questioning face. To his pathetic attempt, she imprisoned a silent scream in her eyes that were flooding with tides of tears. Then, she lifted her pain with the movement of her perishing smile and spoke with a trembling voice:
“To the deepest of this ocean, I set my secret for sail. To the eyes of this world, I keep my pain unnoticed. To this ocean of secrets, I reveal my wounds and share the burden of hearts, the hearts that are broken with losses.”
It was after midnight when sleep suddenly fled out of his eyes. It was after that when he traveled all over his bed to find the perfect spot where sleep resided. It was then when he surrendered to the urge of going up and writing. He must write the guilt and shame out of his heart. He squeezed his eyes one last time; maybe sleep will get in and finally rest. But, all was in vain, and he must explain.
Grabbing the papers and the pen resting on them was a hard decision to make. But the remorse storming inside of him must be sent away. If he is going to write, how should he address her? Dear Beloved? She was never a beloved. She didn’t take his breath away. She didn’t make his heart beat faster. In fact, she almost slowed it down, he thought.
Dear friend? The plan was to fall in love. He wanted her to be the one that will fit in that empty frame carried in his heart, he thought.
No, she was not the one. But yet, she turned his life upside down. The memories of all who came before her bumped in his head. To leave him, they were always right. And by them, he was always left. Why did this one stay? Was she that desperate? Or, was he that good? Oh, yes, he remembers. He was that good. Good in lies that is. Pretending to be perfect, claiming morals he never had before, and radiating the honor he always desired. He didn’t break her heart for her sake. No, he remembers now, it was for his sake. But breaking her was breaking his pride, was crashing his ego, and was turning him from the usual victim into the perfect slayer. And for that, he must not ignite the flame he put out. He must not break her again.
He must go back to sleep, and find the lost peace that he had once before.