الوسم: Dark

غُربة – ٢

لا تكلّموني ولن أكلّمكم. 

لا تلقوا بالًا لي ولن أكترث لأمركم.

دعونا نفترق ونتخاصم ولا نعاود التواصل مجدّدًا. 

لا أنا أُحبّكم ولا يقنعني زيفُكم. 

إرحلوا، إرحموا وجودي وراحة بالي. 

دعوني ألتزم الصمتَ مع نفسي، وأذرفُ الدمع حزنًا وبلا سبب.

سئمتُ التظاهرَ بالفرح والتفاؤل. سئمت الصراع مع ابتسامتي الباهتة والتوسّل لها لتختار البقاء. 

سئمتُ نفسي ومكوّناتي وصوتي الخافت ووهن جسدي المتضائل.

اشتقتُ الى سوداويّتي وتخاذلي، ففيهما ملاذي وراحة بالي. 

راحةُ البال التي لا يجدُها إلّا من عاد إلى وطنه البائس رغم الظروف. 

سأعود إلى وطني، إلى حزني وليلي الحزين. 

أمنيتي بالاختفاء لم تفارقني، أمنيتي بالزوال شيئًا فشيئًا لم تعد أمنية، بل أصبحت رغبة، حاجة وضرورة مُلحّة. 

لعلّ الكون يحتضنني ويبعثر تفاصيلي في العدم. سأبقى في العدم ولن أعود. 

لن أعود لعالمٍ ترقص فيه الرأفة على مشاعري المنكسرة، ولا لعالم يفرضُ فيه الفرحُ نفسه عليّ وأنا فاقده. 

لا تحاولوا إقناعي بسعادتكم ولا تلقوا عليّ بحكمتكم الفارغة، فأنتم أصحاب أقوالٍ وأفعالكم ناقصة. 

لا تظنّوا أنّي بحاجةٍ لكم ولتعاطفكم الذي لن يزيل من وحدتي شيئًا، بل سيدفعني الى التعمّق والتوغّل بُعدًا. 

إرحلوا عني، إرحلوا عن هذا الكون ودعوني أكون. 

دعوني أكون وأُكوّن بُعدًا لا يوازي حياتكم ومحيطكم ولا يلتقي بخط سعيكم الى البقاء أبدًا.

دعوني أفترق عنكم ودعكم منّي فلستُ أنا منكم وحتمًا لستُ لكم.

*****

Breaking the Silence “3 of 3”

The thick door thundered violently, announcing the beginning of a cruel isolation. His elbows were free again, but he was tied up with darkness. Standing in the middle of nowhere, he stretched his hands and moved them in every direction. His eyes scattered into pieces. His hands found nothing to touch and his eyes met no gaze but darkness. That’s it. He was locked up forever. This dark room was made for those who became forgotten, and he is now abandoned. His ears longed for nothing but a sound to hear, but there wasn’t anything at all. He was abandoned; his senses left him to suffer alone, and only his blood remained faithful to him as it marched through his head like an army determined to crash every obstacle on the way.

Her face flashed in head and he screamed. His eyes dug the surrounding darkness for any ray of light, but it was too dark even for hope to exist. He screamed. His knees went weak on him and he fell down.

Suddenly, he parted up from the floor and listened carefully. Soft humming carried his name along and a far ray of light came to life. That was not the hope he waited for. The ray of light grew bigger while it approached him. It carried a face, a loving angry face. Oh, he missed her so much, he felt. But something was not right. Those were not her eyes that sprinted with joy. Those were the eyes she wore when he gifted her the way out of life. Those lips were mumbling, and he couldn’t understand them just like the mumbling he didn’t understand when he helped her depart from this life. Those lips were moving fast, they pleaded him to understand. His heart went silent when that face moved toward the door. The face was telling him something and he couldn’t understand. He ran after it, but it disappeared without a trail to follow. He called her name, he shouted, and he yelled but she was gone again. “Let me out” he begged. “Grant me light” he cried. “I loved her” his tears splashed on the palm of his trembling hands. “She wanted to go away, to leave” his odd voice betrayed his sudden silence. His tears went dry, his palms wiped agony away from his face as he stood up and started to run. He must get out, he must leave this place, and he must go beg her for forgiveness. He ran and bumped into a wall that sent him back to the floor. He got up and ran again only for his heart to touch the floor beneath. He lost his mind. He got up and ran again. The sweetness of his blood tasted bitter when merged with agony. And he ran again and again until his strength surrendered to the floor and forced him to swallow his defeat. He couldn’t explain it, but darkness was getting darker, the room was spinning, his lips were mumbling, and his body was struggling. His ears failed to warn him, the door was opened, and the guards dressed in white came to him. They dressed him in white while denying him the sleeves and carried him away out of the white room that hosted him on its floor.

His eyes panicked and refused the sudden disturbing light in the passage; only to grow wide at the site of her crying eyes next to his mother’s bleeding eyes. The line that connected his confused gaze with their cries stretched until it broke when she hugged his mother and cried with pain as they took him to depart alone.

Breaking the Silence “1 of 3”

They asked him to confess…

He grouped his fingers together, tightened his shoulders, and ducked his head. What do they want him to confess about? He didn’t know. Searching the roof corners for an answer, he opened his mouth, but words didn’t come out. They thought he was stalling and he thought they were pressuring him. “Lock him up” a scream exploded in the cold room, with anger radiating more than a nuclear bomb does. Two guards grabbed his elbows and buried him inside the four walls. He tried so hard to wake up, but it wasn’t a nightmare. It was a reality that tasted more bitter than pain itself. The cruel iron wall screamed before blending in with the walls. He roamed the room, chose the wall that faced the failing attempt of what they called a window. There was still some daylight. If they finished with him early, he can manage to go back home and pretend nothing had happened. No one would know about this, only if he got out on time.

They called him back again. The screamed harder this time, as if it hated being apart from the walls. As if it wanted his company for ever. Grabbed by his elbows again, he ducked his head, and threw his tears down as he walked forward. Maybe he will follow them back to his cell.

They sat him on that naked iron chair. IT was as hard and cold as the eyes of the one who was waiting for him to confess. His lips refused to split up, his voice denied his authority and left him to suffer alone. They waited for his words to come out, and waited for the confession. His eyes focused on the floor under his feet, he folded his hands and sighed. They sighed back. The man with the hard voice got up from his chair, and left the room. That was not a good sign. He didn’t order his men to take him back to his cell, then why is he being grabbed by his elbows again and again???

There was the last drop of tears that he left on the floor. Why then were they taking him? That passage was dark, too dark, but his eyes embraced the darkness, only to make it worse. That passage ended with a door. An iron thick door, that looked like it was made only to open once for every soul coming through. They stopped. One of the guards moved forward, worked his hands thoroughly, and with massive strength, the door finally opened. The darkness inside was darker than all the black ideas that took shelter in his head. The guard that opened the door retreated quickly, and the one next to him pushed him forward. As if the guards feared that door as well. As if that door saved severe agony behind it, only to serve it to its unique trembling guests.

He was pushed harder, and forward until they threw him inside. This door screamed as well. Screamed louder and harder than any agonizing wound. The door united with the walls, thundering a slam like no other. It was silence that conquered his ears inside, only to be disturbed by his rapid heartbeats and consecutive attempts to breath. The passage was empty. The thick door was peaceful, stable and strong enough to terminate every and any voice attempting to break the silence…