غُربة – ٢

لا تكلّموني ولن أكلّمكم. 

لا تلقوا بالًا لي ولن أكترث لأمركم.

دعونا نفترق ونتخاصم ولا نعاود التواصل مجدّدًا. 

لا أنا أُحبّكم ولا يقنعني زيفُكم. 

إرحلوا، إرحموا وجودي وراحة بالي. 

دعوني ألتزم الصمتَ مع نفسي، وأذرفُ الدمع حزنًا وبلا سبب.

سئمتُ التظاهرَ بالفرح والتفاؤل. سئمت الصراع مع ابتسامتي الباهتة والتوسّل لها لتختار البقاء. 

سئمتُ نفسي ومكوّناتي وصوتي الخافت ووهن جسدي المتضائل.

اشتقتُ الى سوداويّتي وتخاذلي، ففيهما ملاذي وراحة بالي. 

راحةُ البال التي لا يجدُها إلّا من عاد إلى وطنه البائس رغم الظروف. 

سأعود إلى وطني، إلى حزني وليلي الحزين. 

أمنيتي بالاختفاء لم تفارقني، أمنيتي بالزوال شيئًا فشيئًا لم تعد أمنية، بل أصبحت رغبة، حاجة وضرورة مُلحّة. 

لعلّ الكون يحتضنني ويبعثر تفاصيلي في العدم. سأبقى في العدم ولن أعود. 

لن أعود لعالمٍ ترقص فيه الرأفة على مشاعري المنكسرة، ولا لعالم يفرضُ فيه الفرحُ نفسه عليّ وأنا فاقده. 

لا تحاولوا إقناعي بسعادتكم ولا تلقوا عليّ بحكمتكم الفارغة، فأنتم أصحاب أقوالٍ وأفعالكم ناقصة. 

لا تظنّوا أنّي بحاجةٍ لكم ولتعاطفكم الذي لن يزيل من وحدتي شيئًا، بل سيدفعني الى التعمّق والتوغّل بُعدًا. 

إرحلوا عني، إرحلوا عن هذا الكون ودعوني أكون. 

دعوني أكون وأُكوّن بُعدًا لا يوازي حياتكم ومحيطكم ولا يلتقي بخط سعيكم الى البقاء أبدًا.

دعوني أفترق عنكم ودعكم منّي فلستُ أنا منكم وحتمًا لستُ لكم.

*****

موعد

استيقظ باكراً والابتسامة عنوانه
نهض مسرعاً والسعادة تراقصه
ابتسم ومشى بحماسة
للقاء الحبيبة وانتهاء مخاوفه

لم يعتد شعور الفرح هذا قبلاً
ولا دقات القلب المتدافعة فرحاً
في خاطره شيء واحد فقط
ستبتسم هي وسيبتسم هو رداً

وصل إلى الموعد وعيناه تبحث
عن التي أسرته وبقلبه تعبث
لاقت حيرته صدى خطوات
تسارعت لعناق من قلّما اكترث

خانه العنفوان وخذله الكبرياء
لم تأتِ بل ارسلت الشقاء
تناثرت شظايا وجهها في رأسه
وغرقت عيناه بنبعٍ تفجّر بالبكاء

بخطى مريرة عاد ادراجه
وقلب مثقل يغازل أوجاعه
نحو وحدته المخلصة سيرجع
كزبدٍ تذوبُ في البحر أمواجه

صديقي الحب

صديقي الحب
سأعود اليوم إلى بيتي خائباً
وأغلق على نفسي الباب بحسرة
وسأنتظر

سأجثو بعدها على ركبتيّ باكياً
وادفن وجهي في خبايا أصابعي
وسأصرخ

صديقي الحب
انتظرتها اليوم وبقيت منتظرا
سأنتظرها غداً وسأبقى مترقباً
وسأسمع

سأصغي بشغفٍ لهمسات المساء
لعلها تحمل لأذنيّ وقع خطواتها
وسأهذي

صديقي الحب
ستُرنح خطواتها ثوابت عقلي
وتطغى على دقات قلبي أجراس الخطر
وسأختفي

إذا لم اعد غداً من موعدي لا تحزن

كظل يلاحق عبيرها سأرتحل
وحبة ترابٍ على خطاها سأستقر
فتنفيني عنها بمسحة منديل
لأعود إليها خائباً مغمور الكبرياء

وسأبقى في حضرة من جال في قلبي
واحتل نبضي يا صديقي الحب

يوماً ما

يوماً ما سأجلس على طاولتي وحيداً
يوماً ما سأجلس على طاولتي حزيناً
سأنزع ساعة الحائط من مكانها
وأدير عقاربها اللاذعة العنيدة

يوماً ما سأعود زمناً إلى الوراء
علّني أجدك قبل أن تتركيني
سأجثو على ركبتيّ باكياً متوسلاً
أن لا تتركي قلباً سينفطر

سأقول لك إبقي على تواصل أرجوك
ستضحكين وتقولين طبعاً طبعاً أكيد
سأهز رأسي مصدّقاً وقلبي مكذباً
وأقبل الوهم الجميل لأرفض واقعي المرير

سأبتسم بأسى وأقول سوف انتظرك
لأعود إلى زمنٍ اجلس فيه وحيداً
على طاولةٍ فارغة وبجانبي ساعة حائط
تمردت عقاربها وتوقفت عن مطاوعتي

يومها سأعود بذاكرتي إلى الوراء
علّني على غفلة اصطدم بطيفك
ستبتسمين لليأس وأنا للإصرار
لن انظر خلفي ولن تري غيري

فمستقبلي هو ماضي عودتي لك

Night Feelings

Photo taken by me @Waelboy

It was late when he decided to call it a night. Thunder outside drove him mad. To him, it was like the end of the world. He decided to hide, to run away from that irritating feeling. Tucking himself in his bed was the most treasured thing he ever did. He is safe now, shielded and armed with wool covers. The heart is sheltered with peace. The clock is ticking, but sleep was away for this night. He had feelings to spill, and so, he grabbed his papers and the pen resting on them and triggered his mind for writing. Where did all the ideas go? They were buzzing all over his head. Did they hide? Did they leave? Or simply, they died? There weren’t any urge in him to dig them out, so he surrendered his papers to their prior refuge. What is wrong with him tonight? He wondered. This is emptiness in him, and he didnt have any ideas to write, so he decided to read.

As people scream out their true nature, his books did the same. They were his loyal companions. What he didn’t know, was that his night was a very important phase in his life. It is the night where his life will change forever.
He couldn’t read, the pages were blank to his eyes. Despair claimed authority of his heart, and his life rolled like a short movie in his head. “When will this still life end”? That’s it! The end. The end is what only matters now. He bumped out of his bed, opened the door of his balcony, climbed the iron fence surrounding it, spread his hands in the air, and got ready to jump.
His legs mesmerized in their place, his heart thundered faster than raindrops and louder than the noise around, but the raindrops were magical. They washed despair out of his system. He felt confused, betrayed and peaceful. Confused by joy, betrayed by emptiness, and peaceful by embracing hope that will lead him to a life where ambitions floated all over. He must be a different person now, he must make a difference. If it wasn’t for the world, it would be for his little lame life…

A Mistake

Hard floor under his back, extreme darkness surrounded him as he was not sure if his eyes were open. He focused for a second, tried to remember why is he lying on the floor, but nothing came to his troubled mind. Moved his hands around, waved them up above, but nothing was there. He got up on his knees, tapping his hands on the cold floor to make a way and suddenly, light flashed all over the place. He tried to cover his eyes with his elbow, waited for a minute so his eyes could get used to the light, and opened them to have a look around.

He was in a room of white and smooth walls. But something was missing. With a frown conquering his crumbled face, he searched thoroughly for the door of this room, but there wasn’t any. There wasn’t even a window. To his amazement, light came from nowhere. It was just there filling the creepy room. Putting his thumb and two other fingers, he squeezed his forehead trying to summon reasonable answers. How did he get in here? Why? When? And even where is he? But these were questions he couldn’t answer. Black visions roamed his head.

Reaching the more static questions, panic was taking place. Who is he? Who was he? What is he turning into? Only the echo of his questions thundered in his head. He doesn’t remember existing before. He doesn’t have whatsoever knowledge. An empty vessel worth nothing to fill it with. He must escape this nothingness and get out to existence. But fear is taking over. What will be waiting for him out there? What should he expect to find? Starting to exist? There might not be any place for him to fit in. With the drums of these thoughts, a squared crack started to paint itself on one of the walls.

But, no! He will not escape. He must stay and maybe fade away. At this very thought, the walls started to dissolve. The floor turned into millions of pixels and his balance was running away from him. He is falling down. No, he is not falling, he is fading away. Darkness is eating him, swallowing him into a deeper level. Maybe it is too late to fight it now. His last thought turned into dust, scattered in chaos, and it was only darkness again.

I Missed You

Photo taken by me @waelboy

I will put my hand on this pillow, lay my cheek on that hand, grab my knees closer to my chest, and try falling asleep.

Something is wrong with my bed. Your smell laid no more on my pillow, your fingers swayed no more on my forehead, and your breath traveled no more on my chest. And something is wrong with my room. My stairs drummed no more with your steps, my door trembled no more with your dancing fingers, and my walls echoed no more with your laugh. And something is wrong with me. Your frown faced no more my jokes, your fingers trembled no more in my hand, and your gaze met no more my eyes.

So I close my eyes, squeeze them to see you there, between them and their lids. I calm down, to find your smile hanging on my curtains. I turn around to confront your shining eyes in the darkness. And there you are, sitting in the corner of my heart, unrevealing yourself until its the right time.
And there my eyes relax, my body surrenders, sleep must be on the way. My eyes are heavy, the voices from outside are gone. And then I open my eyes, my body tightens, I hear your voice, I hear your calling. I call you back, I’m here, I’m Here, where are you? There is my hand reaching out to you, there is your voice fading away, there are your steps thundering away.
I open my eyes again, the pillow is wet, the bed is empty, the room is dark, and I am all alone. I close my eyes again, I squeeze harder, I search for you again, but you are gone. Did you knock and I didn’t hear it? I jump out of my bed, open the door, and its just that empty dark alley, with that broken lamp. I should have fixed that lamp, maybe darkness made you change your mind, maybe you are down there waiting for me. I run the stairs down, pop up in the street, and there it is empty. My tears are falling, I have to get back. I will not stop crying, maybe my tears will lead you to me if you forgot where my house is.
I will stay awake, I will watch the road, maybe you will come from that end, and with you sunrise will come. I will stay awake and wait.