الوسم: Loneliness

عناد

لا أحتملُ العمر، أعاني من صخب الأيام وضجيج الحياة. لا أطيقُ الانتظار، يقتلني بطء الثواني وطول الساعات. ولا أخشى النهاية، تُتعبني الطريق ولكن يريحني الوصول. 

أُترك أقلامك خلفك واتبعني، رحلتك لن تحتمل التفاصيل بعد الآن. إرمِ مشاعرك بعيدًا وانصفني، ففي معركتي لن أصمد طويلًا. تمسّك فقط بكلماتك واصرخ باسمي كلما شارفتُ على النهوض. 

لا تدعني انهض بل دعني استسلم. ربّما استسلامي يعجّل في وصولي الى النهاية. نهايةٌ رغبتها، اتّبعتها وسأبلغها قبل موعدها. دعني أفرح منتشيًا بلذّة الوصول، دعني أرقص رقصتي الأخيرة واحتفل. 

لا تعاندني. أُترك أقلامك وراءك وامضي، ودعني أستسلم. لا تقلق، ستكتب عني يومًا ما، عندما تستفيق من غفوتك وتُصالحُك الكلمات. لا تجزع، ستعود إليك مشاعرك بعد حزنٍ سيجرف ما تبقّى منك من إرادة. وستشعر أنّك رافقت من أنهى طريقه باستسلام وستتعلّم. ستتعلّم أن الخوف من النهاية هو نهاية بحد ذاته. لا تعاندني واتركني وراءك وامضِ بسلام. 

رغبة

تموت الرغبة في داخلي كل ليلة.

تتناقص روحي شيئًا فشيئًا فأغيب. أغيب في عالمٍ سوداويٍ بائس، لا مكان للحياة فيه. تموت الرغبة كل يوم، الرغبة في الحياة، في الابتسام والبحث عن البداية. بداية طفلٍ أسلم الروح بعد النفس الأوّل، وكذلك كل بداياتي. تُولدُ بداياتي لتموت فورًا، فحتى هي فقدت الرغبة في المضي قدُمًا.

أنا انسانٌ فارغ، لا مكان لي ولا أرض، أبحث عن وطن، أبحث عن أمل وأبحثُ عن زمنٍ ضاع وضاعت فيه نفسي. لن أجد شيئًا، أنا على يقين من هذا. لن أجد شيئًا ولا حتى صدى لضحكاتي التي ظننتها ستبقى. جتى ضحكاتي فقدت الرغبة في العودة.

الرغبة أصل الإرادة وأساس الحياة وأنا فاقدها وأنتظر النهاية عند عتبةٍ تتكسر عندها كل بداياتي.

ذات يوم

ذات يوم، سأخرج من نفسي ولن أعود.

سأترك الباب مفتوحًا، من يدري، لعلّني أعود.

قد أعود وأجد أحدًا غيري احتلني وأبقى أنا هائمًا.

لن أعود. سأبقى نسمةً عابرة، ترافق ضحكات المارّة وتقفز من تحية إلى أخرى.

سأركلُ هذا العالم بعنف وأركض في العدم إلى حدّ التعب. سأتعب واتساقط على أرضٍ جديدة، سأنغمس في ترابها وانتظر الشتاء. لعلّني ارتوي وأنمو، فأتحوّل الى زهرة. قد أتحوّل الى شجرة ساكنة، قابعةٌ في مكانها منتظرةً النهاية.

سيصيبني الجفاف واتهالك على العشب منتظرًا حطّابٌ ما ليخطفني وينقلني الى فنائه. سيحملني ويوقد حطامي لينعم بدفء رحيلي. ولن انتهي.

سأصبح رمادًا منثورًا على حافّة سجّادةٍ عتيقة لتنفضني يدا عجوزٍ وحيدة تنشد النظافة والراحة قبل رحيلها. سأتناثر غبارًا يعمّ الأرجاء الى أن تحملني ريح متناحرة فيما بينها، تُبعثرني في كل مكان وسأبقى عالقًا في نفس المكان.

غُربة – ٢

لا تكلّموني ولن أكلّمكم. 

لا تلقوا بالًا لي ولن أكترث لأمركم.

دعونا نفترق ونتخاصم ولا نعاود التواصل مجدّدًا. 

لا أنا أُحبّكم ولا يقنعني زيفُكم. 

إرحلوا، إرحموا وجودي وراحة بالي. 

دعوني ألتزم الصمتَ مع نفسي، وأذرفُ الدمع حزنًا وبلا سبب.

سئمتُ التظاهرَ بالفرح والتفاؤل. سئمت الصراع مع ابتسامتي الباهتة والتوسّل لها لتختار البقاء. 

سئمتُ نفسي ومكوّناتي وصوتي الخافت ووهن جسدي المتضائل.

اشتقتُ الى سوداويّتي وتخاذلي، ففيهما ملاذي وراحة بالي. 

راحةُ البال التي لا يجدُها إلّا من عاد إلى وطنه البائس رغم الظروف. 

سأعود إلى وطني، إلى حزني وليلي الحزين. 

أمنيتي بالاختفاء لم تفارقني، أمنيتي بالزوال شيئًا فشيئًا لم تعد أمنية، بل أصبحت رغبة، حاجة وضرورة مُلحّة. 

لعلّ الكون يحتضنني ويبعثر تفاصيلي في العدم. سأبقى في العدم ولن أعود. 

لن أعود لعالمٍ ترقص فيه الرأفة على مشاعري المنكسرة، ولا لعالم يفرضُ فيه الفرحُ نفسه عليّ وأنا فاقده. 

لا تحاولوا إقناعي بسعادتكم ولا تلقوا عليّ بحكمتكم الفارغة، فأنتم أصحاب أقوالٍ وأفعالكم ناقصة. 

لا تظنّوا أنّي بحاجةٍ لكم ولتعاطفكم الذي لن يزيل من وحدتي شيئًا، بل سيدفعني الى التعمّق والتوغّل بُعدًا. 

إرحلوا عني، إرحلوا عن هذا الكون ودعوني أكون. 

دعوني أكون وأُكوّن بُعدًا لا يوازي حياتكم ومحيطكم ولا يلتقي بخط سعيكم الى البقاء أبدًا.

دعوني أفترق عنكم ودعكم منّي فلستُ أنا منكم وحتمًا لستُ لكم.

*****

اشتياق

لم يعد لديّ ما يكفي من الكلمات. ضاقت بيّ معاجمي وهربت منّي المرادفات. لم تكن الكلمات تعني لي شيئًا من قبل، ولكنّي في مسارِ حبّك تائه ونفذت منّي العبارات. كيف أعبّرُ لك عن حبّي وحروفي باتت متكررة؟ أضّادي باتت مستهلكة وجُمَلي أمست ناقصة.

سأخترعُ لغةً بين قلبي وقلبك، وصلًا ووصالًا، بين عيني وعينك وبين روحي وروحك. أتذْكرُ حبيّ اليافع في ما مضى؟ أتذْكرُ كم كان صغير العمرِ كبيرَ الشأنِ حينها؟ والآن، بتُ أنا صغيرَ الشأن أمام حبٍ تملّكني وامتدّ عبري ليشمل الكون والعمر معًا. والآن، سأكبرُ في حبّك وأقرعُ طبول الحرب قبل كل قُبلة وبعد كل لقاء. فأنت لي وأنا لك. أنت عطشي وارتوائي معًا، قِدَمي في العمر وحداثتي في الحب معًا. أنت شأني الذي يعلو بعُلوّك وقامتي تصبو إلى الغيم بجوارك. وما جواري إلّا ملاذي ومسكني، مسرح تخيُّلاتي وموطئ دموعي. وما جواري إلّا قلبٌ قدّم الحياة بمعنىً آخر ومسار جديد.

كيف أنبذُ عمرًا تجمّل بلحظاتك؟ كيف أنبذُ حُبًّا بكلماتي الباهتة وأقلامي البالية؟

سأظلُّ أحاول وسأبقى باحثًا عن كل معنى جديد لأضيفه إلى صفاتك وأُصنّفه بحسب ابتساماتك. وسأبقى أنا في ركن قلبك قابعًا في سكون، مترقبًا وحارسًا، عاشقًا وحبيبًا وعمرًا سيمضي بك وبي معًا، كحبيبان يتشاركان قلبًا واحدًا.

When She Smiled

When she smiled, his whole life smiled back. She meant the whole world to him, but he never knew why! She was his dream girl, and she dreamt a lot. He rolled back in time remembering when he first met her…

A girl walking on the road wearing a fabulous smile. She smiled at everyone, she smiled at him and that’s when he fell for her. Why did she smile that much? How happy was she to smile? That night barely had its minutes rolling. He searched for sleep among all the questions roaring about her in his head, but the roaring was much louder. He barely noticed the alarming agreement between sun rays and morning light to sneak into his room. That day was never like any other day that passed before, it was the day to start with a shiny smile. The idea was enough to dust the night off his eyes, and get ready to meet that fascinating smile.

His foot steps were uncertain, his heart almost stayed behind, but only his determination went along for this curious adventure. The bus stop was near and empty. Had she passed by already? No, his world deserved a smile that day and he was good enough to earn such a loving smile. He arrived early and time conspired with its own moments to pass slower than ever…

Steady footsteps came from behind, and he smiled. He turned back to welcome the queen of his smiling world, but he was mistaken. Those steps were the company of a young man disturbing his world. Suddenly, steps started to pay his surrounding more frequent visits. There was an old lady passing with her slow footsteps, that was the young student sliding his bag behind him, and there she came. Her smile was more shiny than the bright sun. Her eyes mesmerized him, his determination took over control of his legs, and he waited for her to reach him. She looked at him, her eyes questioning and her smiling more persistent…

His words choked in his throat, and he couldn’t speak. He only stared and focused on her smile. He tried so hard to speak, but his lips were as if stapled with silence. She waited for a moment, but he never spoke, then she left.

When she left, she took his smile with her. He never smiled again, and she never knew what was going on.

He, also, never knew that her smile resided only on her lips and not in her heart. He never knew that she will be leaving this life soon, and all that she wanted was to be remembered with a smile. She was hoping that her smile would reach a writer someday, and that writer would be fascinated by that smile. It would conquer his heart and his mind. And he would finally write about it in one of his writings.

She never knew if her goal was ever achieved.
She never knew if her smile was the center of a bunch of words.
She never knew if she will be remembered or not…

A Mistake

Hard floor under his back, extreme darkness surrounded him as he was not sure if his eyes were open. He focused for a second, tried to remember why is he lying on the floor, but nothing came to his troubled mind. Moved his hands around, waved them up above, but nothing was there. He got up on his knees, tapping his hands on the cold floor to make a way and suddenly, light flashed all over the place. He tried to cover his eyes with his elbow, waited for a minute so his eyes could get used to the light, and opened them to have a look around.

He was in a room of white and smooth walls. But something was missing. With a frown conquering his crumbled face, he searched thoroughly for the door of this room, but there wasn’t any. There wasn’t even a window. To his amazement, light came from nowhere. It was just there filling the creepy room. Putting his thumb and two other fingers, he squeezed his forehead trying to summon reasonable answers. How did he get in here? Why? When? And even where is he? But these were questions he couldn’t answer. Black visions roamed his head.

Reaching the more static questions, panic was taking place. Who is he? Who was he? What is he turning into? Only the echo of his questions thundered in his head. He doesn’t remember existing before. He doesn’t have whatsoever knowledge. An empty vessel worth nothing to fill it with. He must escape this nothingness and get out to existence. But fear is taking over. What will be waiting for him out there? What should he expect to find? Starting to exist? There might not be any place for him to fit in. With the drums of these thoughts, a squared crack started to paint itself on one of the walls.

But, no! He will not escape. He must stay and maybe fade away. At this very thought, the walls started to dissolve. The floor turned into millions of pixels and his balance was running away from him. He is falling down. No, he is not falling, he is fading away. Darkness is eating him, swallowing him into a deeper level. Maybe it is too late to fight it now. His last thought turned into dust, scattered in chaos, and it was only darkness again.

I Missed You

Photo taken by me @waelboy

I will put my hand on this pillow, lay my cheek on that hand, grab my knees closer to my chest, and try falling asleep.

Something is wrong with my bed. Your smell laid no more on my pillow, your fingers swayed no more on my forehead, and your breath traveled no more on my chest. And something is wrong with my room. My stairs drummed no more with your steps, my door trembled no more with your dancing fingers, and my walls echoed no more with your laugh. And something is wrong with me. Your frown faced no more my jokes, your fingers trembled no more in my hand, and your gaze met no more my eyes.

So I close my eyes, squeeze them to see you there, between them and their lids. I calm down, to find your smile hanging on my curtains. I turn around to confront your shining eyes in the darkness. And there you are, sitting in the corner of my heart, unrevealing yourself until its the right time.
And there my eyes relax, my body surrenders, sleep must be on the way. My eyes are heavy, the voices from outside are gone. And then I open my eyes, my body tightens, I hear your voice, I hear your calling. I call you back, I’m here, I’m Here, where are you? There is my hand reaching out to you, there is your voice fading away, there are your steps thundering away.
I open my eyes again, the pillow is wet, the bed is empty, the room is dark, and I am all alone. I close my eyes again, I squeeze harder, I search for you again, but you are gone. Did you knock and I didn’t hear it? I jump out of my bed, open the door, and its just that empty dark alley, with that broken lamp. I should have fixed that lamp, maybe darkness made you change your mind, maybe you are down there waiting for me. I run the stairs down, pop up in the street, and there it is empty. My tears are falling, I have to get back. I will not stop crying, maybe my tears will lead you to me if you forgot where my house is.
I will stay awake, I will watch the road, maybe you will come from that end, and with you sunrise will come. I will stay awake and wait.

What Do We Know!

Right there, around the corner, wind raves a paper, flipping it in a circular movement. Small rocks tumble along with the flow of that old dusty road. The road’s endless rounds carry the sight and twist it with every corner. Right there, around the next corner, that tree stands still. Surviving every shimmering season, surviving every dry inexistence of rain. Yet, it falls for the brown episode of time that absorbs the green out of every vain.

A dried leaf falls down silently, surrendering and laying down peacefully. Life ends. Another leaf falls, neighboring its precedent. The mother tree can do nothing to save its flurried children. Life cannot get any harder. How can a tear drop out of inanimate? People can cry, shout, yell, and mourn. How can a tree mourn its loss? How can a tree wail the loss of its falling children? But, what do we know? A man knows nothing. Man cannot break into the silence of nature, nor comprehend the agony in stillness. And again, what do we know?

We cry, spill tears, and with those tears, we spill our rage and pain out. What would a tree spill? Is it possible that these leaves are not the children? Is it possible that these leaves are what a tree would shed in a moment of sorrow?

Trembling footsteps, barely heard, barely moving, approach from that other corner. Hesitant and reluctant that young man disturbs the stillness of nature, moves toward the tree. Touches the aging stem, goes around it, looking for something in particular. There is it, a trembled carving of a heart with two letters inside. At the sight of this heart, the young man drops to his knees, puts his hands on the nearly erased heart, and cries. He cries so hard, and so loud that as if the wind blows were in harmony with his screams. Could it be that this tree has witnessed a broken love tragedy? Or could it be that it has witnessed the arrogance of a child who grew up in age and pretended to grow up in value so he never came back for the shade of this old tree? Or could it be that it missed the sweat of a wounded runaway who craved for shelter under her branches? Could this silence be resembling the loss of any of them? What do we know! What do we know!

Unconditional Fellow

Curled in bed, bleeding tears, wrapped in darkness, and loneliness is his only friend. “Will it end soon”? He starts to think! He does this to himself. It cures him to get his feelings down. It cures him to draw tears out of his eyes. Maybe because at daytime he believes that life is great. Maybe if he cried his nights, he would laugh his days. He rolls back his day, his moments, in his head. How many shared a smile with him? How many shared a laugh? But no one to share his meals with. He eats alone, and chokes with every bite. Moon rays crawl inside, sweet and soft humming floats from outside. He must go out. As soft breeze moves forward, touching his skin, cooling his cheeks, putting the remaining tears back to where they belong. He walks down the road, puts his hand out, above the rising plants. Calmness reaches his head and peace gets into his heart. So much to scream out, yet no one to share the burden with, no one to give a hand in this heavy carriage. Suddenly, he notices the only friend that has always been with him. Never demanded a thing in return. Never complained and has always been there under the sunlight, it’s there, under the moonlight, it’s there. “Oh dear friend” he says. A joyful tear slips out, “If you could only talk to me” he says. And there he stays, his unconditional friend, his unconditional shadow. Silent, anticipating, and un-revealing.